saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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