someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
