hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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