I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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