Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
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