the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
