just come out here and I will go home with you...
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
