More tranny stories later!
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
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