we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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