his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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