My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Randomize
