My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
