Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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