Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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