I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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