my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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