Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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