Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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