I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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