tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Life is so much better after having sex.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
