dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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