is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
