i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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