alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
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