well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
