The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
