hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Randomize
