Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
