my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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