I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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