He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
