I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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