i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
3 2 1 whiskey
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
