apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
