my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
