Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
