The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
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