The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
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