If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
