This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
