and next time when you feel me up, do it right
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
