I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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