Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
