I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
