his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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