Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
