And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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