I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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