so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Randomize
