??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
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