Can Purell be used as lube?
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
