I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
