this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
