After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize