Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
