i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
