We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
